Lilith vs Pluto vs Orcus... & a few other buddies. - Discussions, questions

I have all 3 prominent and i had an issue with sexuality, well not so much issue but i had to express it when i was much younger.
Odd things around sex and power struggles.

No abuse took place and no one was hurt well perhaps except myself at some point but i will try to explain.

I was unsure, i needed some love, physical love, but it hinged on a sexual side too, i would be 13 years old at this point. In foster care things really took off in this direction, I ended up hugging this other lad and the next time my social worker came he shamed me and said i attempted to have sex with him. Painful but i ended up sleeping outside of the bedroom on a mattress to split us up. My need for affection had grew and i gave off sexuality instead. I am not a gay guy or bisexual, at this point though i was very vulnerable.

So i learned from that.
Same age i had moved foster parent, i had massive pent up anger, abusive childhood and day in day out bullying at school, no excuse. My new carer bought me 2 gerbils, and i killed one.
I slammed it against the radiator until it could no longer move.
At the time i was not emotionally or mentally stable clearly.
No one ever did find out i killed it, i placed it back in the cage and went on my day like nothing happened, but i felt really bad inside, i felt terrible.
My carer found the dead gerbil and according to his words the other had nibbled it´s way out of the cage, so he set up mouse traps for it to catch it. Me being so emotionally controlled and steadfast, it was easy to look like i had nothing to do with it, but inside i was hurting.
My life went on like this.

I have done other things i will take to the grave with me, but did not involve death or hurting anyone.

Such as aged 14 i went to this massive water park and there was this really attractive girl, i could not help touching her butt and being around her, i just had this really strong urge, however after what looked like me just being an idiot and her she was enjoying the attention, her brother ended up trying to find me, i only knew by how that person looked at me and how he carried himself and his movement towards me, he never did find me.
Way too fast, way too good at blending in.

The thing is i never got away with anything, everything was a seemingly karmic thing.
I had a rival in the armed forces, he would try to flick people in the balls, but every time he did it to me i had zero reaction, because it never hit me in the balls but it hit my.... you know what instead, he could never fathom this, even when i told him, it don´t hurt...

So he must have thought i´m some tough guy or something, he had it out for me.
He had 3 girls round, i was still a virgin and had not been with a female. So he used my vulnerability against me.
He had dropped lucozade on my bed sheet the one time he entered my apartment room, it was an accident.
At this point i had learned from the stupid mistakes i did when i was much younger, so i was not going to be all sexual or out and open like i was in that swimming park.

We all had some drinks, i sat like an outsider, that guy saying why don´t you take her back to your room, you only have to stroke her hair, like he was telling me what to do. Me like an idiot did what he said, but it did not go terrible..

However him and his pal wanted sex, the only 1 getting sex that night was the guy who had it out for me.

The girl followed me to my room, i had left my window open by mistake.. so it was freezing cold, so she went back to the the guys friends room and slept in there the night, i threw up in toilet and next morning arrived.

So the guys friend is mad that he got no sex and the blame was pointed squarely on me. He walked to my room with his friend, he pointed straight away to this yellow mark, the mark he had left.

Now anyone with common sense knows if someone had pee´d themselves it would not leave a bright yellow stain, this stain is from the coloring used in the drink he had spilled, well that was it, that was the joke, i pissed myself according to him and that rumor spread fast.
Everyone was against me.
So i became a bit of a rogue, i stole food from people´s fridges, i also took advantage of them being unawares and going out some nights until i found 1 thing.
the guy in our battery was huge, an ex semi-pro bodybuilder, and i found his box of belongings in the room that holds peoples stuff for storage, i was not really after anything i was just nosy.
Found an old flip phone, went through it, mostly all pics of him body building, and a video.. this video is what shocked me to my core, i watched as he forced his penis into another recruit and guys were standing around him egging him on and this recruit was screaming his eyes out... I have done stupid things that i truly regret but this then put things into perspective faster than anything could, just what evil people i was around.

This would serve as a life message, and was the stop of anything darker happening with myself.,

Out of the Army aged 20, i meet my first GF, we are an instant match, we finish each others words, we know each others emotions, we are connected like we are one.
Cancer + Scorpio, excellent match. The problem though, 1 month later she mentions that she has health problems and that she is dying, i said ok, she said if you want to leave you can and that she fully understands.
I said no i will never leave you, i will be here until the end, and i followed through with it.
So much passion, so much sweet love, so much depth shared. she told me her story... i felt a connection that was merely not fathomable.

She died 3 years later, suddenly.. gone.

And i changed drastically even more.
I went to my father, he offered no support, i was alone.
Spent around 3 months alone in my room, playing video games, getting mad, punching my brick walls... all sorts.

Came out a better me, it was like going cold turkey.

I came to the conclusion i gave her the best i could have at the current state i was, at the version of myself i was, imperfect, many thing i wish i could have changed, but the sheer amount of perfection that did happen outweighed my self deprecating thoughts.
She passed loved and truly appreciated and some of her lives on through me.

One thing i uphold as i grew stronger and tougher mentally and emotionally is that i will never sway ever again, and the truth will be revealed. I can count on 1 hand how many have the balls or courage to go through anything like this and still say they are ok.. which i am, i´m fine, i´m an imperfect human that is striving for the best version of themselves.
If we can never look at our own dark side we never move forwards, we never become better.

I don´t know what summons someone to become like me, the transformation, it happened naturally, and my first GF is who got me into astrology, we could not fathom the connection we had and my mind clicked at the zodiac for unknown reasons, and here i am today sharing stuff that aught to make others crumble if they ever shared their dark sides.








Sun conjunct Pollux.
Jupiter conjunct Pollux.
Sun trine Lilith in Scorpio.

Sun trine Pluto in Scorpio.
Jupiter trine Pluto.
Sun conjunct Jupiter Cancer.
Sun conjunct Chiron.
Jupiter conjunct Chiron.
Chiron trine Pluto.


Ascendant square Pluto.
Mercury square Pluto.

Orcus conjunct Mercury. Orcus in Leo. This is a great read.
https://chirotic.com/2012/09/…
My voice is deep, commanding and rather i can be charismatic.

Orcus is another God of the underworld.
Pluto is the known God of the underworld.

Orcus square Pluto.



I am aware i may attract extremes in opinion, this is what brutal truth looks like.