being an observer-how to change it?

May 23, 2020 at 07:43 (UT/GMT)
(Aries) inka
being an observer-how to change it?
Hello,

i decided to write here again because i feel like im wasting my life - or maybe i am wrong. I dont wanna write what i have been in the past and how i understood my life and my purpose. Now is what counts. Because of pandemics since march 2020 i live with my family again. Since 1 year when i started working professionally in my profession in an office that i wanted to- i started to have less and less time for my friends from the past. Its due to many reasons- i wanted to cut off, i wanted to rebuild myself, i wanted to finally focus on my life not to others life or being a sponge for others crying and problems.

The thing is - when i started to live life i wanted to when i started ´cut off´ not only people but  ´the past me´ , i started to transform somehow - i saw that actually noone from my friends - maybe 1 person from closer friends was interested in what i was doing and taking initiative in talking or keeping in touch with me. So in the past for the last 10 years i had many circle of friends, social environments but it was usually due to me - my action, my initiative. I was a member of many organisations , groups but usually i was on the same level as men have been. Their girls were passive. I was always active but i thought it was good. It was not good. I havent had anyone in many years. Last 10 years was a path of failures in my relationship life and it was not because i didnt want to- i wanted to!!!- but noone wanted me for a long time in that ´active state´ and usually my male friends ALWAYS were chosing passive girls. 

So i learnt that if i wanted to be in a group or a social circle i needed to take an action. And i was living in that state to be active and to take action, take initiative all my life, in work environment and in personal life. But maybe 2-3 years ago i decided to stop and only started to put my energy in my work environment. I started being passive in social activities ( because lmost everything was due to my initiative) because i was putting that energy in my work circle. I was getting higher and higher in work and in competitions related to work but i was losing friends. BUT I SAW that NOONE was willing to contact me first. And it was usually me who was that person to ORGANISE. SO i stopped. I started being passive in whatever i was doing earlier being an active person. I logged off from many social media, i started not to be ´visible´. AND what happened is that after some time- people started writing to me and CALLING ME. Usually people that i didnt expect  TO REMEMBER ME.

I lost weight, i look for a boyfriend now, but i dont wanna commitment. I havent had anyone in years like in a normal relationship. i was not in a target in this ´relationship, dating scene´ so i can date now. But im 30. People assume i look for someone to be with long term or to marry. Its not true. 

My male friends and other people from the past remember me always being single. No man around me. Always everything i did was done by me maybe with a lil help of my foreign friends or family.

And now its not maybe about this pandemics, but i see myself as an observer of life. That I can really focus on my work and work related stuff and anything except relationship. I really do not care about men, and i am not jealous of guys that im attracted to that choose other female friends. I am like - ok whatever. And i go in that state deeper in life. I am afraid that it will not stop, that even if i look better or even if i am smarter, have more experience in work or i am more attractive - i would send ´whatever vibes´. 

AND my questions to you are - did i change forever? Its like ´i dont wanna, i dont care state´. ANd its not that i dont ´care´ and i have contact with people. No. I dont care and I DO NOT have contact with people- only with  A FEW people including my FOREIGN FRIENDS from Spain or France that we share online pandemics live together . Only calling no social media. Sometimes i send ´instagram stories or fb stories´ , i see people from the past are interested, see my stories, observe my stories, sometimes comment my stories. I never know WHEN IS the good time to change, to transform life to the way  i want.  

im  not like 21st century independent girl who have many friends, social circle, is talkative , popular and single by choice but her male friends secretly love her- no. Now since maybe a year or 1.5 years i prefer being alone, at home with family or with a book. Like i would come back to this state of being a teenager or someone who really dont care. For me world is open , i wanted to travel this year but pandemics started - i am stuck  here, work from home, being alone. I dont even ´have online connections´ with people. Its not like in movies or in SKYPE ads that people gather and have social meetings. No. I am really alone. And if i didnt live with family now during pandemics i wouldnt have anyone to talk to in reality.




What do you see in my chart? I dont want to sound bad but it would be nice if you tell me if that state of my mind like ´being arrogant or not trusting or opening up to people´ would fade away? What is going to change in my life? 

Thanks for any advice and comment, 

M

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May 26, 2020 at 10:09
(Aquarius) Marc Sales » inka
When you were born I was already on my first return from Saturn (30 years) This aspect of Moon-Saturn in which you express the awareness of being an interior designer connects (as is evident) your house XII and your house VI. It is a sign that the snail is comfortable in its calcium den, (its house in tow)
I have observed carefully that for a correct answer: you look at surrounding yourself with people of your generation (Saturn in Capri) they will set the "rhythm" for you and you will feel less alone. In some ways the Saturn of Capricorn are also mountain hogs (and some even crazy Goats) ...
May 26, 2020 at 09:51
(Aries) inka » ram_goat
the most important thing is for me now freedom. freedom to do what i want. not disrespecting the rules or authorities but the possibility of not asking people for a permission.
in the past maybe since 2010s until 2015 i was feeling that i need to talk about my actions and my plans to my friends. and when you talk first you dont do them later. its my saying - its in polish idk how its in english. lik eyou jinx around talking before sth happened.
additionally when i started not to talk and break this pattern of feeling guilty to do sth on my own and to make decisions n my own based on my mind only- i started feeling that people go against me.
i remember that in 2015 i started working as an interior designer- set designer in students film in film school in my city which is prestigous. many people didint believe in me and were very surprised i overcame struggles and i started doing what i wanted. additionally i never asked anyone of permission ( my friends, more elite ones, more profitable ones who needed to KNOW what was going on around). so dramas have started happening. because there was someone ( me) that was breaking the pattern of putting myself in every new project because of my own will and my actions and my work ethic not asking anyone about permission. so i was breaking this, i was going very fast and my ´more rich and profitable friends who wanted to know everything] started spying me, started to wonder who iw as , to whom i was working to and etc. which is ridiculous. because i was the one who break that ´stable and predictable pattern´of behaviour.
they could not tell anyone of their actions but they needed to know about me. so i started mirroring their behaviour and their started panicking. later on when i started to leave that set design environment i saw that i was really a rebel that time. because after my set design experience i started meeting otehr people who were friends with those elite ones, and they have been veyr predictable. like doing 1 thing at time. and everyone knew about it. so i started being silent and being very very introverted not to jinx around my plans and my actions. and that still works :) because i am not gonna feel guilty ofmy normal actions as well we have democracy and freedom of speech and actions ( in some normal sense not extreme sense) so i never knew why i needed to explain my actions . i never explain myself i just go and its only my responsibilty. if i fail its gonna be only my fault. and my life. noone needs to tell me what should i do or not. that is why they didnt like me because i was not a ´peasant´ like other girls.
May 24, 2020 at 14:08
(Aries) inka » Marc Sales
ok so i did well and im doing good now. im focusing on myself. of course im nice and not arrogant but im putting myself first. i see some people with whom i work in the past want to contact me again but they have been very unfair . didnt respect my work and other things i was doing. i have let them be but maybe i need to be more sharp and put some boundary now. i know probably what i am doing and i wanna be the best in this but i need to focus on what is important for me now.
thank you for all of those ind owrds and some guidance.
May 24, 2020 at 11:55
(Aries) ram_goat » inka
I know i am quite ´uranian´ person but not in this extreme rebellious way. Since maybe 2-3 years my relellion state of mind and kind of being eccetric stopped and got more delicate.

Good. Unless this change has occurred, there is little to talk about.
Some people never make it past this stage, or it takes them many years.
May 24, 2020 at 11:52
(Aries) ram_goat » Marc Sales
Yes I get a sense that the aquarians and the aquarian influenced in

here will be the ones who bring the most useful messages to this thread..

lots of uranian energy in this one..

Even though the poster is aries sun..
May 24, 2020 at 10:45
(Aquarius) Marc Sales » inka
Have you ever seen mountain goats ??
Well now you should do something similar, climb as high as possible -you cannot go in a group-, see Saturn with your own eyes, abandon the worst impressions down there where the meadows are, not worry about what happens down there, develop in you the ability to "climb" rocks and feed on what is there.
I know this is all symbolic but it is quite possibly what you come across, my mission is to teach you and to clarify this situation for you.
May 24, 2020 at 08:32
(Aries) inka » ram_goat
Hello, thank you so much for those detailed answers . I didnt expect them. its very nice of you.
When it comes to your 1st post and aspects you mentioned. I feel closer to those aspects with Uranus. I know i am quite ´uranian´ person but not in this extreme rebellious way. Since maybe 2-3 years my relellion state of mind and kind of being eccetric stopped and got more delicate.

I am stopping and listening firstly to my basic needs. I do what i want and i try to make everything simple. I feel like different person even 2-3 years ago but i know its not the end of the transformation. I wanna be more clean and maybe silent but innerly confident and assertive. Those things are the most important for me. I Know my aspects concerning Pluto, Saturn, Moon are quite harsh and for the last years ive been feeling them quite often but i cant do anything about it. Life goes on.

You mentioned and adviced to stop and listen. I actually take further steps in my life but more conscious and more ´stable´, delicate, they are ´thought about´ from the beginning - not impatient. Im not in a rush.
I hope its what you advised and what i understood.

PS. i got rid of many toxic people from my life and the impression to PROVE myself to others to be likable or to have social group of friends. Im stronger now being alone because i grow but i miss other people. But usually my friends from my city ´do not explore´ and they stick to one place, they are not open minded. When i wanna explore i can start talking to very random person from all over the world. Its not a problem for me. My friends whom i try to get distanced from they didnt actually have this ´deeper´ thought. Everything was superficial. Especially women my female friends who have been very loud and they were over ´screaming the male friends. Even if my all friends are university graduate intelligent people, outside university they behave like no comment. I tried to understood this because all my life my grandparents my parents were telling me that someone who study is someone intelligent with master degree or phd. Maybe its this ´parental pattern´.
I am more calm than my city friends. Many of the ´cooler ones´ or the more intelligent have moved abroad because they were very rich and parents helped them. I stayed because i cant afford being in Switzerlnd or Scandinavian country without any university scolarship. The ones who stayed here are the ones who never met any foreigner, stay in one group of friend for the lifetime , are very excited when someone new comes in to the group, girls make dramas for so unimportant things lol.... Last year i told myself that i dont wanna be in any of that group just to BE in one group and just to HAVE someone around me. I started focusing on myself and it helped me. After 1.5 year i see theirpattern didnt change and they are the same.
I get away from people who cant change and block me in transformation. I need to feel this fresh air and freedom to move further. When someone is blocking me i see it and feel it deeply that this person hasnt grown. Its sad what i write because i dont consider myself as a ´grown and spiritual person´. I just learnt my lessons from the past, i am very mindful of my drawbacks now and i got humble. But it took me 2-3 years . I havent been superficial in the past but i needed to UNDERSTAND something and now i see people who hasnt yet understood IT. But i dont wanna teach them anything. Noone tought me this. It is and has been my long process journey only done by me for me. SO i understood it by myself.
May 24, 2020 at 08:26
(Aries) inka » Marc Sales
thank you so much for the reply. so what do you suggest on doing? Am i doing right with almost all of the movement now?im really recharging my batteries since 2018 i guess or 2019. its like i observe and try not to connect with this toxic energy of other people and the drama. i hate drama. i need to be clean without drama because otherwise i cant operate or more consciouss level.
you also mentioned Capricorn. SO i am moving away from this energy? from what i know Saturn is in Capricorn but retrograding now. Do you think it can affect me now somehow?
May 23, 2020 at 09:46
(Aries) ram_goat » ram_goat
I get the feeling that the Aquarians here will have the deeper messages for you..

my message, for now, is to stop and to listen. You have a lot of things to consider and
smooth out. Your chart is not an impossible one, but it does have some challenges you will
need to get a good handle on, or you can simply expect more of the same for the rest of your life..

One instinct you have that is correct, is that these things will work themselves out through
things connected to the 9th house.. so travel/things foreign do play a role, but 9th is also education and higher consciousness which needs no travel ticket to explore.
May 23, 2020 at 09:43
(Aries) ram_goat
What do you see in my chart? I dont want to sound bad but it would be nice if you tell me if that state of my mind like ´being arrogant or not trusting or opening up to people´ would fade away? What is going to change in my life?


You have some core personality problems.. sun, mercury, jupiter all badly aspected to uranus, primarily. I listed them for you. Work to understand your uranus issues.. it´s the planet of awakening, originality and enlightenment, but you have very troubled aspects in
your chart for expressing these energies. Just bad luck for you. A challenge. Work to understand your uranian nature, what it has to express to the world. Forget about the future or the past or all that other stuff you mention. Your chart is a bit of a train wreck, and it sounds like your mind and emotions are as well. Get that under control first or your like will always be.. one step forward, 2 steps back.
May 23, 2020 at 09:40
(Aquarius) Marc Sales
You express your uncertainties well ... that is simply a good step to understand yourself, take time and recharge from the energy of Capricorn, you yourself are the most important thing and the "reflections from outside" must adjust to it.
Do not be afraid of running out of the superfluous, that is also in the eternal "movement" of acquiring consciousness. So much so that the "pole" that you are, has to follow its own steps ... and acquire that particular "mastery" to combine your land and your water, your Moon-Saturn in aspect to Pluto.
May 23, 2020 at 09:35
(Aries) ram_goat
From you chart description... do you recognize yourself your thoughts or your behaviors in any of these?

- MC Square Uranus (0°27’, Applying)
The positive thing about this aspect is that it gives people skilful and original behaviour that helps them achieve their goals. The negative side of this aspect is that it may cause bouts of rebellion that can be responsible for changes in their social status.

MC Square Neptune (5°29’, Applying)
The positive thing about this aspect is that it gives people intuition that helps them find their life path. The negative side of this aspect is that these people may lose their life direction because they are not clearly aware of their real abilities.

Node Square Pluto (3°16’, Separating)
The positive thing about this aspect is that it gives people great and fascinating energy that leads them to the focal point of their life. The experiences of power and powerlessness and the encounter with their own Shadow helps them overcome their life challenges and find their life path.
The negative thing about this aspect is that it causes inner tension and feelings of obsession because strong forces drag and pull in a different direction than towards the focal point of life. These people often have the feeling that they are the prisoners of misconceptions.

Moon Contra-Parallel Jupiter (0°13’)
This aspect causes constantly increasing needs – for emotions, care and comfort. These people are introverts who seek intense religious life. They are very dependent on external conditions and they need to find their purpose of life.

Moon Parallel Uranus (0°18’)
This conjunction gives people strong need for emotional and family freedom. They need constant change. It may seem that these people express their feelings openly but then they have emotional outbursts to unwind their feelings. They feel separated from society (complex of separation). They are restless, original and exceccentric. They experience sudden emotional changes of mood and strong fragmented emotions.

Jupiter Contra-Parallel Uranus (0°05’)
This aspect causes desire for independence and learning about the mysteries of life. This desire is difficult to control. These people are original and their knowledge encompasses wide areas of life. However, their opinions are often too dogmatic. They love power. They consider themselves exceptional and they expect others to honour them. There may be sudden problems with courts, officials, or with the law.

Sun Square Uranus (8°46’, Applying)
This aspect creates people that are too individualistic, selfish and eccentric. They are very independent and they guard their independence carefully. They are not always considerate towards other people and they sometimes suffer from mental exhaustion. These people have the need to be different and they want to show their uniqueness. They want to be teachers, mentors and examples to others. These people are willing to go to the extremes in order to show their originality. They have trouble accepting authorities. They use rebellion as means of attracting attention of other people.

Sun Square Jupiter (1°12’, Applying)
This aspect creates people who are idealistic and this is the reason why they often support various dubious movements and clubs. People with this aspect are often willing to make great sacrifices. They are overly optimistic, they like to travel, and they do not like commitment.

Mercury Square Jupiter (1°08’, Separating)
This aspect brings extremist thinking. These people sometimes have doubts about their beliefs and they have difficulties to synchronise theories with practice. They are restless and they often move abroad.

Mercury Square Uranus (6°25’, Applying)
This aspect often brings extreme views and a strong need for independence. These people force their opinions, which are often extreme an unrealistic, on others with arrogance and reluctance to compromise. Their creative activity is often destructive and it tends to be rebellious and chaotic.

Venus Square Pluto (3°04’, Applying)
This aspect manifests itself in a very typical way - these people can both love and hate with all their heart, deeply and intensely. They hide their true passion and usually they have a great fantasy. They want to feel that they are better than others and this desire manifests by starting a business or by trying to accumulate material wealth. This aspect activates sexuality and sex appeal. It creates similar radiance as harmonious aspect but it also adds strong jealousy; these people can even become paranoid.


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